


Love's Austere and Lonely Offices

by innerslytherin



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-09-26
Updated: 2006-09-26
Packaged: 2017-10-22 14:24:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/238996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/innerslytherin/pseuds/innerslytherin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>November, 1979.  Severus cares about two boys.  They are the two boys that life seems determined to take away from him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love's Austere and Lonely Offices

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my fabulous betas [](http://users.livejournal.com/_lore/profile)[**_lore**](http://users.livejournal.com/_lore/), [](http://aunty-marion.livejournal.com/profile)[**aunty_marion**](http://aunty-marion.livejournal.com/), and [](http://schemingreader.livejournal.com/profile)[**schemingreader**](http://schemingreader.livejournal.com/).  The title is from Robert Hayden's poem "Those Winter Sundays".  Regulus' imaginary note is courtesy of an icon by [](http://grrliz-icons.livejournal.com/profile)[**grrliz_icons**](http://grrliz-icons.livejournal.com/)

**Love's Austere and Lonely Offices**

He pounded on the door faster than his heart was pounding in his chest, praying Severus would be home. Please, _please_ let him be home. There was no one else he could trust, no one else who might have the bollocks to do anything.

It was so late, nearly one in the morning. Surely Severus would be here! Or was Severus out looking for him? Had the Dark Lord already discovered somehow what he'd done? Could the hunt already have been ordered? Was his death warrant already signed?

They wouldn't have been able to follow him, but there could have been alarm spells at the cave--might have been tracing spells on the locket. He hoped his father's Unplottable spells would hold out against the Dark Lord. What if Bella found out what he'd done? What if--

The door jerked open and Severus' scowling face was inches from his own as he tumbled inside.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Severus demanded, catching him despite his harsh tone. He shoved the door shut with a foot and guided Regulus to the sofa. "You're supposed to be in Hogsmeade with Lucius."

"Lucius got called away," Regulus gasped through chattering teeth. "I had to get to you, Sev. It's—" He hunched over, shivering.

"Hold on," Severus muttered. He flicked his wand at the front door, then strode through the door leading to the kitchen. There was rattling and the bang of cupboard doors and after a moment he returned bearing a tray. "Eat."

Regulus fell on the steaming meat pie, shoving it into his mouth so fast he barely had time to burn his fingers, though he hissed and blew to cool it in his mouth. He followed it with gulps of tea that sent waves of heat radiating through him. He could feel Severus' judging gaze on him, was aware of the way Severus' long, slender fingers were tapping. He spared a brief regret for the way those fingers never touched him anymore. Finally he sat back and looked up to meet Severus' gaze.

"I have to get out."

He was impressed with the way Severus didn't react. There was no flicker of emotion in the dark eyes. Severus merely folded his arms and waited for more.

Regulus shivered, remembering the screams, the way Edgar Bones' body had arced off the ground, his heels and head the only points of contact. He thought of the glorious lust in Cousin Bellatrix's eyes, Lucius' bored drawl. His stomach roiled. "We got Bones and most of his family earlier today. He gave us all sorts of information, things he didn't even know he knew." He swallowed thickly. "Have you seen Bellatrix when she works?" He looked up imploringly at Severus, who merely nodded.

Regulus hunched over again, staring at the carpet. There was a hole just under his feet; it looked like someone had dropped a particularly caustic potion. He dug his heel at it. "I'm not like them, Severus. Sirius was right about me. I'm washed out, weak. Bella _liked_ it. Lucius was just bored. But I..." He choked and shook his head.

There was mostly silence for a time, interrupted only by the sound of a clock ticking from the mantle and the rain scattering across the windowpanes. Severus took a slow breath. "What did you do?" His voice was uninflected, betraying nothing of what he thought. Regulus wished he still understood Severus, the way he had when they were at school. It seemed like longer than a year and a half since the last time they'd slept together, since Severus had kissed him gently on the lips and said they couldn't do this anymore, said it wouldn't last now Severus was leaving Hogwarts.

"I used the Killing Curse on Bones' children." Regulus closed his eyes, seeing the green flash of light, then the yellow one that had followed Bellatrix' hand cracking across his cheek. "She wanted to torture them first. I just...the boy looked like his older brother--a fifth year Hufflepuff this year."

"Mercy is weakness." Severus stood and walked over to the fireplace. "You're not stupid, Regulus. Why couldn't you have pretended a little longer?"

Regulus stared at him, realizing suddenly that Severus was in Muggle jeans and a black turtleneck jumper. He wondered if Severus had been out earlier, if he'd had plans, if he was seeing someone. There were so many things he didn't know about Severus anymore. He wondered if he'd ever known Severus.

"I can't do this, Severus," he whispered. "I need your help."

Severus wheeled around, eyes blazing suddenly. "What do you think I can do?" he demanded. "I am the Dark Lord's poisoner, Regulus! I assassinate people! If Bellatrix complains to him about your performance, _you_ may taste my work soon!"

Regulus shook his head, pleading rather than denying. "I need out. I can't--I can't do this. I'll run away, I'll--"

"You wouldn't get far!" Severus sneered. "Damn you, Regulus! You're going to ruin everything!"

Regulus blinked hard and looked down at the hole in the carpeting again. His throat was tight, his pulse thumping painfully in the side of his neck. He realized he'd expected Severus to be able to fix this somehow, and he'd never even thought about whether Severus would _want_ to fix it. He'd just assumed, like he'd always done. Something hit the back of his hand and he stared at it for a moment before realizing he was crying. _Such a baby_ , came Sirius' taunting voice in his head.

"God," Severus said, appalled. He turned away and Regulus heard him pouring another cup of tea. "Here. Drink this, and then lie down upstairs for a while. I need to think. They won't find you here."

Regulus sniffled and took the cup, sipping at it. He _was_ tired, yes, he ought to rest. It was a good idea. He sighed and looked up at Severus, who made the wall move somehow to reveal a staircase. Regulus stood up, swaying a little, and stumbled up the stairs. He went into the first door and collapsed across the small bed there, and darkness swam up to meet him.

 **.:.**

Severus was pacing in front of the fireplace when someone pounded on his door for the second time that night. He jumped and then swore. He couldn't afford to be jumpy, not if it wasn't the person he hoped it would be. Wand at the ready, he opened the door a crack, watching the figure. After a moment, a hand--wearing a glove with a hole in it--reached up and shoved back the hood of the drab-coloured cloak. A flash of astonishment went through Severus, though he didn't allow it to show. A flash of desire went through him, too, though he suppressed it so quickly he almost didn't feel it.

"What are you doing here?"

"I was sent by a barkeep I know," said a hoarse voice. "He said discretion and celerity were foremost."

It was the response Severus had been expecting, even if it hadn't been the lips he'd expected to utter it. He stood back, holding the door open wider. "Come in, then."

"Thank you, Severus." Remus Lupin stood back long enough to flip the rain off his cloak, then stepped inside. Severus flicked his wand in a quick drying spell and received a surprised look back in return. "How are you?" He drew his gloves off, stowing them in a cloak pocket and watching Severus' face.

"Do you really think idle chit-chat is necessary?" Severus asked, feeling oddly self-conscious.

Lupin's eyebrows rose. "I wasn't asking idly, Severus," he said. "I don't know why I'm here, just that I'm needed. Are you well? I know you didn't know I would be the one coming."

"I have...a delicate situation on my hands," Severus said. He glanced towards the door hiding the stairway. The sleeping draught he'd put in Regulus' tea would hold him for several hours--hours Severus had thought necessary to keep the idiot boy from bolting and to give Severus time to contact the Order in secret. He hadn't expected Aberforth to send Lupin, though--he hadn't realized Lupin was one of the ones who answered to Aberforth at all. The dodgier Dumbledore brother was only responsible for those Order operatives who were considered too valuable--too sensitive--to be seen any closer to Hogwarts than a disreputable pub in Hogsmeade. Why was Lupin on that list? Why hadn't he _known_ Lupin was on that list?

"You'll have to give me a few more details than that," Lupin said. The tinge of amusement in his voice told Severus he'd been staring at Lupin with narrowed eyes.

He flushed when he realized the desire had crept back in without his knowing it. "Are you and Black still messing about together?"

Lupin went still. "He doesn't have anything to do with my involvement with Dumbledore. If you're going to drag him into this--"

Severus waved a hand impatiently. "I have a reason for asking, Lupin. Answer the question."

A moment of silence, and Severus could almost see the thoughts dancing through the werewolf's head. Lupin's white, even teeth caught at his lower lip, worrying at it for a moment. Finally Lupin drew in a breath. "We share a flat with Peter, technically. What that really means is that Sirius spends most nights at his girlfriend's flat and Peter and I do his laundry."

Severus snorted. "How typical of him." He paused, thinking. "Can you keep secrets from Black? Is it even possible for you?"

Lupin bridled at that, and it sent a thrill of satisfaction through Severus. "Of course I can."

Severus gave Lupin an openly sceptical look.

Lupin flushed. "Sirius doesn't know I'm queer."

"My God, why did you ever tell _me_ that, then?" Severus demanded, astonished.

"So you'd know I could be trusted," Lupin said, and he gave Severus a small, satisfied smile.

Severus turned on his heel and crossed the room, pushing open the kitchen door. "Come in here and sit down," he ordered, not waiting to see if Lupin would obey. He may have given Regulus tea, but Lupin had just made two huge good-faith gestures in less than ten minutes, so Lupin would have Firewhiskey. The November rain was wretchedly cold.

Severus didn't turn as the werewolf pulled a chair across the cracked lino and settled into it with a creak of wood. He carried the Firewhiskey to the table and opened it in front of Lupin before pouring, then indicated with a nod that Lupin should choose a glass. With barely a glance at Severus' face, Lupin selected one of the glasses and took a sip. Severus gulped from the other.

"What secret am I keeping from Sirius?" Lupin asked after a short silence.

Severus looked at him, wondering if word of the Death Eater attack on the Bones family was common knowledge yet. Wondering if Lupin would blame Regulus for his part in what had happened. Hoping Lupin could be as fair-minded about this as he had been about other things. "I have Regulus Black asleep in my bedroom. He wants to defect."

If making Lupin bridle about his friendship with Black was satisfying, watching him choke on his Firewhiskey was nearly orgasmic. Severus sat back and took a sip of his own drink, then smirked slowly at the spluttering werewolf. "All right there, Lupin?"

Wiping water from his eyes, Lupin exhaled shortly. "Of all the things I thought you might tell me..." He shook his head and smiled. "Regulus. But of course if Sirius knew, he'd bollocks everything up."

"Exactly my thoughts," Severus said dryly. "There are complications, Lupin, and you cannot possibly appreciate them all, but we must get him to a safe place, and only Dumbledore has the ability to protect him."

"Tell me what to do, Severus."

It was astonishing, the trust Lupin was placing in him, _had_ been placing in him, for months now. Severus stared at him again, narrowing his eyes. "Why do you trust me so much?"

Remus' smile was open and easy. "Because I want to, Severus. Because someday I'm going to persuade you that I'm not with you by accident or default."

Severus sighed. "I'll never understand you."

"Does that matter?" Remus stood up and reached for Severus' hand. "If you're done testing me, can we go back to the front room? It was warmer."

"And it has the sofa," Severus said wryly.

Remus' smile widened. "That, too."

 **.:.**

Regulus woke feeling much more clear-headed than when he'd fallen asleep, and he knew at once that Severus had drugged him. A jolt of energy rushed through him and he bolted up in bed, staring at the half-open door. A streetlight shone in from the street and he could hear the rain still pattering against the glass. He was seized with a sudden panicky need to flee, to get as far away as possible. Severus had drugged him! He could be selling Regulus out to Lucius and Bellatrix right now.

But even as he jumped off the bed, he knew Severus couldn't be. There was no reason for him to have drugged Regulus to sell him out. Regulus had been too tired and desperate to be able to resist, if Severus had wanted to hex him and turn him over to the Dark Lord as soon as he'd arrived. Regulus pressed a hand against his chest, wishing his heart would quit doing that funny jumpy thing; it had been doing that ever since the first Inferius leapt out of the water at him.

 _God, I didn't even tell Severus the worst of it,_ Regulus thought. _What would he say if he knew what I'd done? I can't trust anyone with this, though. Not yet._

He would discover himself how to destroy a Horcrux, even if it killed him to do so, but he couldn't drag Severus into this. Severus might not care about him anymore, but he'd been Regulus' first lover. Frowning and chewing on his upper lip, Regulus shuffled to the doorway. The upper hall was dark. Not wanting to tumble down the stairs, he fumbled for his wand. " _Lumos_ ," he whispered, and began creeping down towards the front room. Perhaps Severus would have thought of something by now.

There were voices in the front room--two of them, both male. Regulus leaned against the door, listening. One of the voices belonged to Severus, of course, and the other sounded familiar for some reason, though he couldn't quite place it. They were speaking too quietly for Regulus to hear words, but he could hear the tones, and it sent a worm of jealousy crawling through his stomach. They were intimate tones, tones that suggested whoever it was speaking with Severus knew him very well.

Regulus touched the tip of his wand to the wall and pressed his ear against it. He and Sirius had learned eavesdropping spells long before they'd gone to Hogwarts.

"--didn't know what the old man would want, but I couldn't think of anything else. He'll be in danger if he leaves here, but I can't protect him for long." That was Severus' voice, low and thoughtful.

"We could use Fidelius. No one would suspect me for his Secret Keeper." Who was that? He had a hoarse, peaceful voice.

"You would do that?" Regulus heard the surprise in Severus' voice and wondered at it. Severus sounded so…open. He wondered what that meant--Fidelius. He'd never heard of it, but Severus' tone made it sound dangerous.

Quiet laughter. "Of course I would. I do like him, Severus, and it's obvious you care about him."

"I really never will understand you."

Soft noises of a dubious nature. Regulus' stomach clenched. Who _was_ it? Whoever it was, he'd replaced Regulus entirely in Severus' affection, that much was obvious. He wanted to burst out into the front room and hex the man senseless. He tightened his grip on his wand.

"I hope he thought about the danger before he came to you," the hoarse voice murmured. Regulus, about to shove the door open, fell back in shock. He _had_ thought about the danger! Of course he had!

"Of course he didn't," Severus said, his voice dry. "He's impetuous and frightened and desperate. Not a good combination. But he _will_ think of it, and I really should check on him before the sleeping draught I gave him wears off. I wouldn't put it past him to think better of coming to me for help."

"He would want to protect you," said the other man.

"Or be afraid I would betray him. I haven't exactly got a nice reputation among the Death Eaters, as even you know."

Regulus stopped listening to the conversation as he got caught up in thinking about the consequences of his actions. Dear God, he'd left Kreacher lying about with all that poisoned whatever-it-was in his system. He should have killed the house elf outright, or else brought him to Severus! And the locket--would it be safe where he'd left it in the drawing room? Oh, Merlin, _why_ had he written that note? He couldn't have made it more blatant or damning if he'd written, "Dear Voldemort, Fuck you. Sincerely, Reg." That other man was right, he _shouldn't_ have come here for help.

Suddenly the door flew open. Losing his support, Regulus stumbled out into the front room and stared in utter horror at Severus...and his brother's best friend.

 **.:.**

Severus swore. This was so satisfying that he did it again.

"You should still be asleep!"

"Yeah, because you slipped me a bloody potion!" Regulus cried, rallying. "What the fuck was that for, Severus?"

Severus didn't feel the least bit chagrined. "I wanted to be certain you would stay put, and you looked as if the rest wouldn't go amiss. Why didn't that dose work as long as it should have?"

"God help us, did the great potions master make a mistake in his calculations?" Regulus snapped. "Shut up and get out of my way. I'll do this on my own."

"No," said a low, unexpected voice. "Regulus, don't. Severus wants to help you."

Severus rather thought he should be the one pointing that out, but he didn't bother arguing with Remus just then. "Yes, and you need to tell me the _whole_ story," he said. "Quickly."

Severus settled back down on the sofa next to Remus, though he could tell they were both poised to act if Regulus tried to leave. Regulus took the chair, perching stiffly on the edge, which Severus thought a minor victory; he might not quite sit comfortably, but at least he wouldn't stand there ready for flight the whole time they talked.

Regulus still looked angry, instead of frightened and desperate the way he had before. That was a good sign, too; perhaps he was thinking more clearly now. "There isn't anything to tell," he said, his voice sullen. "I can't do it. I can't torture people, I can't _live_ like this. Bloody hell, Severus, I need _out_."

Severus rolled his eyes. These privileged purebloods always thought it was all about them and what they could or couldn't handle. Why didn't they realize life didn't revolve around them? _Oh, wait, because they have megalomaniacs like Tom Riddle telling them it does_. He glanced at Remus, torn between amusement and annoyance at the compassion he saw on his lover's face. Whatever else he might think, he couldn't doubt that Remus truly did care about Regulus. Severus felt an odd sense of relief. Remus didn't know that Regulus had been Severus' first lover, and Severus didn't want him to know. Still, he was glad that Remus wanted to help him protect Regulus.

"We're going to get you out," Severus said, not bothering to try to make his voice reassuring. "What sort of things do you know? What did Bones talk about tonight? Were there secrets the Dark Lord wouldn't want us knowing?" He realized as soon as he'd spoken that Regulus would think "us" meant the Death Eaters, when Severus had meant the Order of the Phoenix. It felt wrong to have both Remus and Regulus here at once; Severus didn't know which mask he should be wearing. To each of them he was an icon of something different, and though alone with either he could be himself, it wasn't possible now, here, with both of them.

Merlin, Regulus was going to get them all killed.

"I wasn't really listening," Regulus said. "Bones was talking about his sister, the Auror, and all the defences in the Ministry--something about the Department of Mysteries, I think. I'm not sure exactly what he was on about. I couldn’t take my eyes off Bellatrix, anyway. I thought I was going to be sick."

Severus sighed. "Nothing else, then? Nothing more dangerous than that?"

Regulus scowled at him. "Look, it wasn't exactly a walk in the park! We _could_ have been hurt!"

He couldn't hold back a bark of laughter at that. "Please! You went in with a dozen Death Eaters in broad daylight, didn't you? The Dark Lord's followers have nothing to fear, Regulus. We are unstoppable, and the Ministry knows that. It's only a matter of time. Their own fear works against them. You were never in any danger."

It wasn't necessarily true. There had been casualties among the Death Eaters, particularly of late. Most of the Death Eaters didn't realize it, but the tide of the war had begun to turn in recent months. Voldemort and his inner circle were beginning to grow more desperate. The Reign of Terror was at high tide, and the Order of the Phoenix had begun, little by little, to turn it back. But Regulus wouldn't know that. Regulus wouldn't know that the Dark Lord had sent Severus to Dumbledore, looking for work. Regulus wouldn't know it had been the Dark Lord's own idea for Severus to pretend to be a spy, to pretend to give Dumbledore information about the Death Eaters, in exchange for slithering his way slowly into the Headmaster's confidence. Regulus thought Severus was brewing potions for Voldemort and nothing more.

Severus glanced at Remus. Few members of the Order knew of Severus' role. The supreme irony of his love affair with Lupin was that the werewolf's own friends would use the Killing Curse against Severus if they saw him--and it would be not only sanctioned by the Ministry, but lauded.

Regulus shifted in his seat. "So what are we going to do?"

With a sigh, Severus leaned his head back against the sofa and gazed up at the water-stained ceiling. "We'll take you somewhere safe first. Lupin will do that, and you'll do as he tells you, no matter what it is, just as you would take orders from me, do you understand?" He looked at Regulus without lifting his head. "He'll stay with you until he hears from me. While you're in hiding, I'll make it look as though you've fled to the Continent. The Dark Lord will keep his allies there busy looking for you while I make preparations here for a more permanent safekeeping."

"You said something about a Secret Keeper," Regulus said.

Beside him, Remus shifted, and Severus drew in a breath through his nose. How much had Regulus overheard, if he'd heard that? Damn it, he should have checked on the brat sooner! He glared at Regulus, eyes glittering in the low lighting.

"Yes," Remus said finally; he must have realized Severus wasn't going to explain it. "It's an old spell, but it hasn't been used much in the past three or four centuries. It was popular in times of religious persecution or all-out warfare, but it's a drastic step to take." Severus drew in another slow breath, feeling himself relax. He loved listening to the soft, slightly roughened voice when Remus slipped into 'professor' mode. "It involves the hiding of a secret in another person's soul. In this case, the secret of your whereabouts. If you're willing to trust me, I'll be your secret keeper. Once the spell is cast, no one could find you unless I told them where you were--even if they walked right up to you, they wouldn't see you."

Regulus frowned. "They'd just kill you to get the secret!"

"If I were killed, the secret would die with me." Severus could hear the smile in Remus' voice. Daft man, how could he smile at the thought of death?

"So I'd be forever trapped invisible to everyone, if you were killed?" Regulus demanded. "All right, that might keep the Dark Lord from killing me, but if no one could hear me or see me, how would it be any better than really being dead?"

"There are ways for you to break the spell yourself, of course," Remus said, his amusement more obvious. "I agree it would be a piss-poor idea if there weren't. Once you choose to break the spell, though, there's no way to repair it. It must be recast whole, the secret hidden inside me--or whomever you choose as your secret keeper--again."

Regulus sighed. "Why would you do this for me, Lupin? You and I have never exactly been friends."

Severus turned his head finally to look at Remus. The werewolf smiled. "We've never exactly been enemies, either, have we, Regulus? I know you and your brother have had your disagreements. But I've had my disagreements with him, too. I love him like a brother, but it doesn't mean I think he's right about everything." Remus' warm brown gaze rested on Severus for a moment with secret amusement in its depths. "Besides, I know him well enough to know that he'd be devastated if anything really happened to you. He may think you've made a mistake, but he doesn't want to see you dead from it."

"Is this really about Sirius?" Regulus challenged. "Or is it about Severus?"

Remus lifted his chin, some of the amusement fading. Severus could see he was giving the question a serious response. "All right," he said quietly. "You've obviously realized I love Severus, too, and yes, it's in a very different way to how I love your brother. And I know you're important to Severus. I won't deny that his regard for you makes it that much easier for me to volunteer to do this."

Severus stared at him, feeling as though something were constricting his airway. How could he say that so easily, just admit without batting an eyelash to something as crazy and terrifying and stupid as love? How could he claim to love _Severus_? But Remus just turned his gaze calmly on Severus and looked unflinchingly back at him.

Regulus laughed suddenly, and the tone of it grated on Severus' ears. "You're mad," the younger boy said. "You're both mad as hatters. And I'm mad to trust you. But damn me, I do. All right, then, Lupin, where are we going to hide?"

 **.:.**

Severus shoved some spices out of the way and pulled a few potions out of one cabinet, feeling a quiet satisfaction at the brilliant viridian liquid. He selected a few more: a russet-coloured Dreamless Sleep, a caramel-hued Forgetfulness Potion, and the dark marigold of a muscle relaxant. Regulus wouldn't see them the way Severus did, the way Remus would. Regulus wouldn't realize that Severus could do nothing for them but give them potions, and the potions he selected showed his concern for them. Severus snorted, thinking about how he'd once heard Rodolphus lecturing another boy in the "language of flowers"--red roses for love, yellow for friendship, whatever. Well, Rodolphus always had been better at Herbology than Potions.

His cupboards were mostly empty; he hadn't been to the market for several days, and he'd been more concerned lately with the work he did for the Dark Lord and his precarious position between Death Eaters and Order than with eating regular meals. All the same, he scrounged up a loaf of barely-stale bread and several bottles of butterbeer, along with some of Honeydukes' best to slip to Remus.

He shoved the supplies into the bag he'd carried at school, his lips twisting wryly at the "Property of the Half-Blood Prince" spelled in silver letters inside the flap. He added reading material, because he knew Remus would go mad without something to entertain him. He'd likely read _Hogwarts: A History_ half a dozen times, but Severus only had a few books to hand. He glanced at Remus, who was leaning patiently against the counter, eyes fixed on the table, hiding his thoughts.

God, what had Severus done to deserve this man's regard? He'd been such a git to Remus in school, especially after Sirius had lured him down the tunnel. He'd hidden his attraction behind taunts and hatred, had disguised his fascination with Remus as the lure of the Dark creature, had denied there was any possible connection--and still Remus had Bludgered his way into Severus' life--into his bed, and eventually into his affection.

He wondered if he would have given in sooner if it hadn't been for his relationship with Regulus, but he doubted it. Rabastan had tried unsuccessfully to shape Severus' tastes, trying to twist Severus towards the sadistic--but Severus had always been drawn to quick, vivacious boys who were graceless and enthusiastic in bed. He didn't care for pain, no matter what he'd endured until Rabastan left school.

Once he'd been free to choose someone for himself, he settled at once on Regulus, and not all the reasons had to do with his hatred for Regulus' brother. He'd enjoyed the quickness of Regulus' laugh, the way he met Severus' eyes, the unbowed shoulders. He'd liked that Regulus spoke of Orion Black with affection. He'd approved of the precise way Regulus prepared his potions. There had been room for _curiosity_ about Remus, but there could have been no _relationship_ with Remus, even if they'd been able to defy their friends.

Severus turned and emptied his teapot into a flask, charming it to stay hot, and added it to the bag. He knew, or at least suspected, Regulus had come to him hoping that bonds of love still tied them. While it was true Severus had originally ended their relationship to protect Regulus from Severus' decisions, Severus didn't love Regulus; but he did treasure the memories of their past, just as he had hoped Regulus would live through this war.

"The Dark Lord will summon me, come morning, if Regulus is correct about the Hogsmeade mission," he murmured. "I can't afford to have him still in the house when that happens. There is always a chance..." He trailed off and glanced at his lover.

Remus nodded. "I have somewhere we can go," he said. "I won't tell you where, just in case..."

Severus couldn't help but be bitterly amused at how neither of them had the courage to finish a sentence. He pulled Remus into a corner of the kitchen, out of Regulus' line of sight.

"Be careful," he murmured, laying his cold fingers along Remus' cheek. "He's my friend, and he's desperate, and he might be willing to hurt you if he has to."

Remus smiled, his fringe hanging in his eyes and making him look ridiculously shaggable. "I won't lower my guard, Severus. I'm more worried about you--we'll be in hiding, after all." He leaned forward and kissed Severus, slow and sweet. Severus shoved the bag into his hands.

"I'll send for you in a few days, when I've arranged everything. I'll have to find a place...you have a copy of the spell, right?"

"It's in _Guardians, Protectors and Wards_." Remus nodded. For a moment his brown eyes were intense, boring into Severus'. "I do love you. I know you don't believe it, but I do. And if you get yourself killed, I'll never forgive you."

Severus' resolve nearly crumbled at that. There was nothing else for them to do, of course, and he wasn't enough of a fool to think that, at nineteen, he and Lupin were meant to be together for life. Still he suddenly wanted to drag this grave, idiotic boy who loved him upstairs to bed and never let him leave. He couldn't, not with Regulus in the house--he didn't love Regulus, but he wasn't _that_ much of a bastard. Instead he just kissed Lupin hard, biting his lip viciously, and pulled away in satisfaction when he tasted blood. "I won't forgive you either," he said, by which he thought he meant _I love you_ , or at least _I want to love you, if I live long enough to learn how._

And Lupin nodded and left, the bright splash of blood on his lip unblotted.

 **.:.**

Regulus peered through the predawn murk, wishing Lupin had let him Apparate separately instead of side-along. "Where are we?"

"Blackpool. There are a lot of Muggles here, so behave yourself."

Regulus rolled his eyes. "There's no one here," he said, his voice heavy with irony. They were in the middle of a vast empty space that smelled like salt air, he knew that much.

"Yes, well, you can't exactly Apparate into the centre of town," Lupin said mildly. "I have a cousin who lives here--yes, a Muggle cousin--and she won't object to our turning up first thing in the morning. We've time to walk in to town, and then we'll hang about her house for a few days."

"How did you end up with Severus?" Regulus said suddenly. It wasn't what he'd meant to ask. He didn't really want to know. But he'd seen the blood on Lupin's mouth when he left the kitchen--the other man had seemed to wear it almost like a badge of honour. Regulus didn't understand, because Severus wasn't really a kind man, but he'd been a gentle lover. He'd never hit Regulus--not the way Rosier did, or even the way Rabastan was, hurting you but making you like it.

Maybe Severus was gentle like that with Regulus because he knew Regulus got the other from Rabastan. But Rabastan had been Severus' first, so maybe Severus really liked it that way. It was confusing. Regulus couldn't see Lupin in any of those roles, maybe because he was Sirius' friend, and none of Sirius' friends would be like that.

Would they?

He realized suddenly that he was walking alone. Lupin had stopped, was gazing at him in consternation. Regulus thought back frantically. Had he said that out loud? No, he'd asked about Severus, but that was all. Why the expression on Lupin's face, then?

"What?" Regulus demanded. "It was just a question! God."

Lupin shook his head. "Sorry," he said after a moment. "I just...look, Severus and I--no one knows, all right? I'm not a Death Eater, and none of his friends would like that. And none of my friends would like that he _is_ a Death Eater."

Regulus snorted. "You're telling me that like I'm going to go blabbing the news to everyone," he pointed out. "Look, I won't even tell my brother you're queer, all right?"

A look of startlement bloomed across Lupin's face, making Regulus laugh. "Of course he doesn't know!" he said. "The great Sirius Black, friends with a bloody shirtlifter? No sodding way."

Lupin sighed. "Every time I tell myself I won't let Severus down, something else happens to remind me of all the ways I probably will," he said, his throaty voice quiet. It didn't seem to follow.

"How long have you two been together?"

"You're full of personal questions," Lupin observed. "Do you think we could at least get to my cousin's house before I start telling the story of my life?"

Regulus recognized that defence--it was a manoeuvre Severus always employed to great effect--take shelter behind sarcasm so the other person would be off-balance from the attack. It didn't faze Regulus; he'd known Severus too long. "I wasn't asking your life story. Just the part with Severus in it."

Lupin rolled his eyes and Regulus wondered if he'd pushed the other man's patience too far. He might be sleeping with Severus, but he was still Sirius' friend, and Sirius had never had any patience for Regulus at all. Then again, being friends with Sirius had to require a certain amount of tenacity. "I ran into Severus at a club last year, by accident, and we ended up having a good time. The third or fourth time I ran into him after that, I realized it wasn't really an accident, and we started running into each other on purpose instead. After a while we decided we could stop pretending we didn't like each other, and we started actually going out like semi-normal people."

"Right, except you're both queer," Regulus put in helpfully.

Lupin glared at him, and Regulus flinched instinctively, expecting a hex. That sent an expression of surprise across Lupin's face, but then the other man's shoulders relaxed slightly. "Well, we're queer, then. Do you care?"

" _I_ don't," Regulus said. He thought about pointing out that he thought he was queer, too, or at least, he liked boys as much as he liked girls, whatever that made him, but for some reason he didn't want to tell Lupin yet that he'd had Severus first.

"It isn't as if we go on dates like boys take girls on," Lupin said. "We just, I don't know, spend time together. Sometimes we go to the pub and get a meal. Sometimes we sit around and listen to The Clash and Tom Robinson Band and The Fall. Sometimes we snog. You know."

Regulus had heard of The Clash so he supposed the others were bands, too. "How do you keep it a secret from my brother?"

Lupin gave him a wry look. "Your brother doesn't care as much about me as I care about him," he said easily. "He's got James as a best friend and Tessa--that's his girlfriend--and I don't think he really needs anyone else. Peter and I are mostly around if he wants a group of mates to go to the pub with him on the weekends."

Regulus shoved his hands in his trouser pockets. That sounded like Sirius, all right. "How is he?" he asked after a while. His voice sounded small in his ears.

Lupin didn't take his eyes off the path ahead of them, to Regulus' relief. "He's fine. He's fighting for Dumbledore's group, you know. Trying to take Voldemort down. He's in Auror training."

"Yeah." Regulus kicked at the path. "I suppose you'll see him before I do. Tell him--well, I don't know. Don't tell him anything."

Lupin glanced at him, then away again. "Yeah."

They were silent the rest of the way in to town.

 **.:.**

No one had missed Regulus yet.

Severus kept expecting Lucius or Bellatrix or Yaxley or bloody _someone_ to ask him where Regulus was, even though Severus had kept himself distant from Regulus since the younger man left school. He'd answered the summons that had come early this morning, bowing and grumbling about being woken, and then mustering a sullen humility when the Dark Lord scolded him for his attitude.

"We have much work to do, Severus, and little time before Dumbledore's troop of fools acts."

"I'm sorry, my lord," Severus muttered again, lowering his gaze.

"Ah, it is well for you I am feeling so generous today. But Lucius has achieved a great victory, and so you may be grateful to him for my cheer. From Edgar Bones, he obtained the passwords to enter the Department of Mysteries. Last night he obtained information that I have long sought, Severus, information that has worth beyond price."

 _Bully for Lucius_ , Severus thought, hoping Voldemort would let slip what he was truly after. "He is, indeed, a fine servant for your lordship."

Voldemort laughed, a high-pitched, chilling sound. "By which you subtly remind me that he is, of course, _only_ my servant--even as you are, Severus." The lord stopped walking and placed a long, cold finger under Severus' chin, tipping his face up. Severus met his gaze unflinchingly, though the sight of Voldemort's face-- _almost_ human, _almost_ handsome, but seen as if through a fogged glass--always made a shiver crawl down his spine. "Severus, Severus, my angry half-blood potioner. You amuse me as so few people still do. You are clever enough to serve me, the most powerful man you can find, and yet you are ambitious enough to resent me for making you serve. I must watch you, my angry servant, to be certain you never place a dagger in my back."

"My lord, you know I am faithful to you," Severus murmured, staring into eyes that looked permanently bloody. The catlike pupils narrowed and Severus could feel the tendril of Legilimency snaking in. He concentrated on his dedication to serving his master well, his conviction that wizards shouldn't have to hide their existence from Muggles-- _He shoved down his resentment as the old fool smiled genially at him and commended him for finally having seen the light and repented of his grave misjudgement_ \-- "I only want to serve you however you deem best," Severus said smoothly, as if he thought his resentment undetected.

Voldemort chuckled. "You are, indeed, valuable to me, Severus. You please me." He withdrew his touch from Severus, folding himself back into the long black robes that flowed about him like smoke, and began walking again. "There is a potion, a most wondrous potion, to transcend old age and death. It would be a fine reward for my most loyal followers, would it not, if I granted them eternal life?"

Severus didn't have to feign his surprise. "Eternal life?" he breathed. _That_ was what the Dark Lord wanted? To live forever?

"The fools at the Ministry have deemed the potion too costly, too difficult," Voldemort continued. "It is difficult to brew--perhaps it would be too difficult for you..." He glanced at Severus.

"My lord, you know my skill," Severus said, allowing resentment to tinge his voice again. "I am wounded that you would doubt me."

Voldemort laughed again, the noise grating on Severus' nerves. "You will brew the potion, Severus. I have confidence in your skill."

He did not, Severus noticed, say that he had confidence in Severus' loyalty.

It was unfair that the Dark Lord should mistrust Severus for being such a good spy, but it was perfectly logical, as far as the Dark Lord was concerned. Dumbledore had foreseen this and warned Severus about the possibility--that as Severus gained Dumbledore's confidence, he would lose Voldemort's. Severus had asked how they would counteract that, but Dumbledore had never answered.

Severus just hoped Dumbledore would find a way to bring Voldemort down before Severus lost his usefulness to both sides.

 **.:.**

Regulus was relieved when Lupin came into the cramped front room and said, "I've had word from Severus."

Four days spent in the tiny semi-detached with Muggle Cousin Jane and Remus Lupin had taxed Regulus' manners and imagination beyond belief. They'd played some game called Monopoly where they had to buy up properties and the other players paid money to land on them. Regulus had suggested it ought to be called Malfopoly, which Lupin had found amusing; this was the last time Regulus had laughed during the game, though, because Cousin Jane had snagged both Mayfair and Park Lane, and Regulus had shelled out a huge amount of money landing on them _every bloody trip_ around the board. When Regulus was ready to hex Cousin Jane into a mass of purple boils, Lupin had hastily suggested something called Cluedo, and spent the next two hours beating both Regulus and Cousin Jane. Regulus was so unutterably bored and annoyed that he was almost ready to go out and take his chances on his own.

"He's made the preparations," Lupin said, looking down at the small roll of parchment in his hands. "We'll meet him in the morning; he's found a place in Cornwall that he says is well-suited for you."

"Can I write a letter to my parents?" Regulus asked. "Or will I be able to visit them first?"

Lupin looked at him in surprise. "Visit your parents? You aren't exactly going on holiday, Regulus."

His face heated. "I might be gone for years."

Lupin met his gaze levelly. "You might. Then again, it might be a matter of months before Dumbledore and his lot find a way to defeat the Dark Lord."

"You're part of his lot," Regulus accused.

Lupin smiled gently. "You know I'm not going to tell you anything."

"What, you think I care?" Regulus sighed. "I have--there's something at my parents' house that I have to have."

"I don't think we can spare the time--"

"It doesn't matter what you think!" Regulus snapped. "I _have_ to have it. We go there before we meet Severus."

Lupin frowned. "Make sure your bag is packed and ready."

 **.:.**

Severus liked plans. He liked well-considered plans. He liked thinking about every aspect of a situation for days or weeks in advance. He did not like it when plans changed.

He swore, looking down at the scrap of parchment covered in Lupin's tidy handwriting. _R says MUST stop at home before spell_. Severus hoped that meant the ancestral Black home, because if it was any other place, he didn't know how to get there, and he wanted to be in place with them. He scribbled back a note-- _Will meet you there._ \--and sent the owl on its way.

He spent the next two hours trying to read, snapping to his feet and pacing, then sinking into the chair again. Finally he wore himself out enough to settle into a doze. He dreamed about dark, claustrophobic spaces and swooping birds and high-pitched laughter, and when he woke, he didn't try to sleep again.

At nine-thirty he was crouched in a hidden spot, watching the entrance to the Black house. He heard the crack of Apparation and tensed, but it was only Remus and Regulus. They approached the house cautiously, Regulus pale but upright. Severus frowned. What could be so important that Regulus would risk capture by returning to his home?

"What are we doing _here_ , Regulus?" Severus demanded in a low mutter as soon as they were within earshot.

"I left something here for safekeeping," Regulus said. "And I ought to see if Kreacher died."

Severus blinked. "Kreacher?"

"House elf."

"Who bloody cares?" Severus asked, though _he_ would care if a house elf died, if he could afford a house elf to begin with. Then again, this was the bloke whose parents _beheaded_ house elves when they became old-age pensioners, so he supposed one house elf more or less didn't make much difference.

"It'll only take a minute," Regulus said. "You two wait here. Mother has these nasty alarms that go off whenever half-bloods cross the threshold. One of the portraits spews names at you."

"What do you care?" Remus muttered, just loud enough for Severus to hear. He leaned against the wall of a nearby house and tried to look nonchalant. Severus shrugged and leaned next to him, their shoulders just brushing.

"Has he given you a wretched time?" he asked as they watched the younger man approach the front door.

"Aside from trying to hex my cousin a few times and pouting when he didn't get Bond Street or Regent Street, not really," Remus said.

Severus looked at him in astonishment. "You made him play Muggle board games?"

Remus grinned. "Couldn't help it. He's such a little shite about Muggles."

Severus laughed. "I can't imagine that made things any better."

"Yes, he's bollocks at Cluedo, too."

Severus snorted. "You _are_ a sadist."

They fell into companionable silence, Severus watching the end of the street and Remus watching the house. Severus liked the feel of Remus' fingers brushing lightly against his, the warmth of their shoulders touching. After several minutes, Remus shifted, tensing.

"Shouldn't he be back by now?"

"How should I know? Didn't he tell you what he was after?"

"He wouldn't say. He said it was important, but he didn't think anyone else should know about it."

Severus glanced at the house, then back at the end of the street. Oh _fuck_. "Lupin."

Remus turned his head and then shoved Severus down behind a hedge. "Death Eaters. Would he have--"

"Of course not!" Severus snapped. "Not here, not at his parents' house!"

"Of course," Remus murmured, then swore. "And they've sent up the Mark. You can't be seen. You'll have to--"

"I know, damn it!" Severus tugged Remus down beside him. "Don't get killed, Remus." He kissed him hard, then Apparated away with the taste of the werewolf's mouth still on his lips.

 **.:.**

Regulus knew the moment he set foot inside his parents' house that something was wrong. The house was always oppressively quiet, but there was something missing from the atmosphere--something _unbreathing_ about the place--that set the hairs on the back of his neck prickling. He slid his wand out of its holster and narrowed his eyes.

He could Summon the locket and get out. He _should_ Summon the locket and get out. He raised his wand, opened his mouth--

And someone in the drawing room coughed.

Regulus relaxed. That was Orion's cough. His father was in the drawing room, and that's where the locket was, but Orion wouldn't give him any trouble. If it had been Walburga, he'd be in for difficult questions about where he'd been and what he was doing and why Kreacher had disappeared and returned half-dead from something he'd drunk. Orion would just glance up from the _Daily Prophet_ , ask if he was having a nice time, and then mutter something about not spending too much money.

He made his way down the gloomy passageway, looking around for one of the house elves. No one appeared, but that didn't really mean anything; Walburga often had them polishing the silver or rebottling her potions ingredients or one of any other countless activities to keep them busy and out of her hair. "'Lo, Dad! Just stopping in for--"

And he came to a halt in the doorway, feeling as if he'd run into an Impedimenta jinx.

Orion Black was sprawled on the drawing room floor in a large dark patch, his intestines piled on his chest. Which was still moving.

Regulus' first thought was _Oh God he's still alive!_ His second thought was _Who the fuck--_

He didn't get any further than that.

"Hello, ickle Regulus," said a sickly-sweet voice. "You've been a naughty, naughty boy."

 _Fuck!_

He turned to run, but Bellatrix snapped out a curse that immobilized him, suspended with one foot off the ground. "Ah ah ah!" she scolded, still in her baby voice. "Don't run off while a lady's talking to you, Reggie. It's not polite."

"What do you want?" Regulus demanded. He felt like the air was constricting around his chest. Knowing Bella, it probably was. He remembered the mad lust in her eyes when they'd tortured poor Edgar Bones.

"You've been very hard to find these last few days, Reggie," she said softly, pacing in a slow circle around him. "I had to ask Uncle Orion where to find you. He wasn't very helpful, unfortunately. He said he didn't _know_ where you were."

Regulus glared at her. "He didn't, you bloody cow! I haven't been home all week!"

She laughed. "And why is that, I wonder?" She reached out and chucked Regulus under the chin. It would have been a playful gesture, had her sharp fingernails not gouged his skin. He flinched but kept glaring. "You wouldn't be thinking of _running_ , would you, Reggie?"

"What sodding business is it of yours?" he demanded. "Maybe the Dark Lord gave me a task to do!"

"Oh, I doubt it very much," Bellatrix said. She paused and inspected her fingernails, then licked them carefully. "He was very interested in what I had to say regarding your performance this past weekend."

"Fuck you, Bella! I'm your fucking _cousin_!"

She whirled on him, eyes wide and passionate. "The Dark Lord is our family now, Regulus! There is _no_ family other than the faithful! We know no ties but those of service to Him! You would withhold a part of yourself from Him! You are unworthy!"

"You're fucking crazy!" Regulus shouted back, his voice cracking. Oh, God, he was going to die. And Severus and Lupin--where were they? Why hadn't they come in to find him yet? Could they get here in time to save Orion?

"That isn't very nice, Reggie." Her smile sharpened. " _Crucio_!"

The pain went on and on as he writhed, suspended in midair by her magic, unable to twist enough to get away from her. When she released it, he hung, panting for air and making a small whimpering noise in his throat.

"Such a baby, Reggie. Always too young to play with the big boys and girls. You shouldn't have tried to join us if you couldn't keep up." She smiled a wide, bright smile at him. "You ought to be grateful to me, you know. The Dark Lord could have sent Severus after you. Or Rabastan. It will be much better to suffer at my hands than those of your ex-lovers, won't it?"

Regulus gathered his breath and snarled at her. "Fuck you, Bella!"

"Reggie, Reggie, Reggie," she said, shaking her head. " _Crucio!_ "

Through the stormcloud of pain, he heard the front door slam open, heard someone shouting, heard the portraits in the entry hall shouting, "Half-blood scum! Dark creature! Filth!"

 _Dark creature?_

"Regulus! Regulus! Regulus!" It was Lupin, screaming his name loud enough that the whole bloody house could probably hear him. Where were the house elves? Where was his _mother_? But all Regulus could think was that his father was dying and his mother had betrayed him.

Bellatrix dropped the spell and Regulus gasped for breath. "Lupin!" he tried to yell, but it came out as a whisper. "No! No."

Another door slammed open, and more footsteps pounding near. "Stop him! _Impedimenta!_ "

Bella swore. "Dumbledore and his bloody army. They won't have _you_ , my sweet."

"Fuck!" Regulus gasped. He gathered his strength. "LUPIN, GET OUT!"

With a snarl, Bellatrix jabbed her wand into Regulus' stomach. Pain ripped through him, and then they had Apparated into darkness.

 **.:.**

Remus reached Regulus just as he vanished. Swearing, Remus spun to face the Death Eaters throwing curses at him from behind.

" _Protego!_ " he shouted, and then his mind caught up with his eyes and he realized that the quivering body sprawled on the drawing room floor was Orion Black. Holding his shielding spell, he backed into the room and slammed the door shut. It wouldn't hold for long, even with the wards he slapped onto it, but it would hopefully be long enough.

"Orion!" he gasped, kneeling at the older man's side. "Orion?"

A thick, wet cough. Then the man's eyes slid open, focused on Remus' face. "Half-blood…scum…" the man whispered.

"Yes, that's me," Remus agreed grimly. "But this half-blood scum is going to save your life, you bastard." He grabbed Orion's shoulders and heaved him close, ignoring the blood and viscera the gesture smeared on his shirt, and Apparated to St Mungo's Casualty. He found a green-robed Healer and left Orion in her care, then Apparated to Spinner's End, where he was praying he would find Severus.

.:.

Severus' heart nearly stopped when he saw Remus' blood-soaked clothes. He threw the door open, not caring who saw them, and pulled Remus inside. It was raining again, a cold, driving rain, but he ignored the way the water dripped off Remus and formed puddles at his feet.

"Are you hurt? What happened? Where's Regulus?" he demanded, his questions sharp and rapid-fire as curses. He slammed the door shut and warded it with quick, practiced flicks of his wand, then guided Remus over to the sofa.

"I'm not hurt," Remus said. His eyes were full of grief, and Severus knew there was no good news to be had. "Bellatrix was there," Remus murmured. "She--I heard him screaming. I left Orion Black at St Mungo's Casualty. I didn't see anything that told me what Regulus was there for." A stricken expression crossed his face and he shivered.

Severus flicked his wand at Remus. " _Scourgify_." He had to repeat the spell twice to get all the blood off. He pulled Remus fiercely into his arms. "The Dark Lord will call me soon," he whispered. "He'll call us all. He'll want to make certain we didn't know."

Remus' arms went around Severus' waist. He felt his lover shuddering against him. Remus buried his face against Severus' shoulder. He sounded like he was choking, then Severus felt something cold against his shoulder. God, he was _crying_. What did one do with a needy werewolf? Severus kissed Remus' ear and whispered ridiculous things like, "It's all right, I'm here, I need you," until Remus stopped crying.

Finally Remus shoved away, looking embarrassed. He wiped a hand across his face and sniffled loudly. "Sorry. God. I've never--I mean, I'm used to my own blood, but..."

"I know," Severus said quietly. He hesitated, then said, "Regulus won't be able to hide from the Dark Lord that I was helping him. I don't--I don't think I'll see you again."

Remus stared at him in horror.

"I'm not sorry," Severus said quickly. "You were the best thing, Lupin. I just--wanted to tell you that." He swallowed hard and the Mark flared into life, into burning, raging life. His lips twisted as he tried to smile, even though he wanted to be sick. He covered the Mark with his other hand and leaned forward to kiss Remus, hard. "I think I wanted to love you," he murmured. "If I knew how."

He Apparated to the Dark Lord.

"Severus! We've been eagerly awaiting your arrival. Regulus has many things he wishes to tell you."

Severus stared at his ex-lover, his throat closing for a moment with panic and revulsion. Regulus looked as though he'd been flayed, the flesh hanging in tatters from his torso. Tears were streaming down his cheeks, and his lower lip was bloodied where he'd bitten through it. _He was so beautiful,_ Severus thought.

"Sorry, Sev..." Regulus gasped. "Tried...tried to..."

There was only one thing Severus could conceivably do, if he wanted to survive this. For a moment he didn't know if he could. He swallowed and nearly gagged, and then he strode forward and backhanded Regulus viciously.

"Stupid brat!" he snarled. "I told you if you were too weak I would set them on you myself! You had your only chance!"

Regulus rocked backwards and fell; after a moment he rolled onto his back and, astonishingly, smiled. "Told--told you..."

"My lord," Severus said, daring to look up at Voldemort, daring to meet his gaze, daring to look outraged, "I assure you I had no intentions of letting him stay hidden. I was testing him, my lord, testing him to see if he would truly betray you."

The catlike pupils flashed red as Voldemort slapped at Severus with Legilimency, shoving his way unsubtly into Severus' thoughts. It forced Severus to his knees, but he didn't resist. Voldemort saw Severus telling Remus to take Regulus to a safe house, saw Severus watching Regulus walk into the house, saw Severus turning to Remus and saying, "Wait for me here." He saw Severus start towards the house, intending to capture Regulus himself, and then the Dark Mark bloomed above the house.

"Why did you flee the others, Severus?" Voldemort hissed.

"My lord, I realized then that you had another plan--far superior to my own, of course," Severus said smoothly. "I knew it was better not to interfere, to await your command and beg your forgiveness for plotting without your consent."

Voldemort considered this for a long time as Severus held his kneeling position, his breath feeling very fast as it shuddered in and out of his lungs. Finally there was a cold chuckle. "Regulus seems to be under the misapprehension that you _love_ him, Severus."

Severus darted a glance at Regulus. " _Love_ , my lord? As if I cared to love anyone."

Voldemort laughed again, and this time the high-pitched laughter went on and on, sending shivers down Severus' spine. "Very well, Severus. You do not love him. Then you may kill him."

A flash of triumph ran through Severus, which he did not hide--though he hid the reason. "I may do with him whatever I wish, my lord?" he murmured eagerly.

"Indeed." Voldemort waved a hand. "He is yours, Severus."

Severus allowed a smirk to crawl across his face, though he suddenly felt as if his skin were too tight. "My lord is far too generous," he said, bowing so deeply his face nearly touched the ground. Then he rose to his feet and moved to stand over Regulus.

"You were a fool to trust me," he said. Then he knelt, reaching into his robes as if for his wand. He did draw out his wand, but at the same time he palmed a small vial of poison. It was a small mercy, and one that the Dark Lord would dislike. He bent low over Regulus. "So you still love me?" he murmured. "Taste _my_ love, Regulus." He used his body to shield his actions as he emptied the vial into Regulus' mouth, then bent to kiss him.

"Quick and painless," he whispered against Regulus' mouth. Then he pulled back, licking his lips and tasting blood and poison. He wondered if there were enough to kill him. He doubted it.

The haze of agony in Regulus' blue eyes cleared for a moment; Severus thought that was gratitude and hated himself. He felt a tug on the front of his robe and looked down to see one hand clawed around the fabric. He leaned close again.

"Loop," Regulus breathed. "Kept safe." Then the light fled his eyes.

Severus pulled away violently.

" _Crucio!_ " he cried, and at the same time he wordlessly cast a spell that would cause Regulus' body to arch and writhe as if under torture. He let it go on far longer than one usually would, allowing his face twist in the grief that looked like rage. Finally he relented, and then, hating himself, hating Voldemort, hating Regulus, hating the world, he whispered, " _Avada Kedavra_."

He had never tried the Killing Curse on something that was already dead. His wand emitted a pathetic green fizzle. Dismayed but not truly surprised, Severus frowned and leaned close. "It...appears he is already dead," he murmured.

Voldemort's laughter was cold. "Such love, Severus. I find myself grateful that you hate me."

Severus turned and watched the Dark Lord step down from his throne-like chair, approaching him with gliding steps.

"You may be the only servant I can truly trust, Severus. You hate me, and yet you serve because you know that serving me is better than living within the Ministry's constraints. Some day, Severus, I will be great--and you will be by my side."

Severus smiled and tried to ignore the frost that was settling deep within his chest.

.:.

Remus waited at Spinner's End through teatime, ignoring his growling stomach, saying the prayers he'd grown up with, prayers he'd been saying all too often these days, prayers to a God he wasn't sure he even believed in but hoped existed. The rain pelted against the windows like a Dementor seeking entry. He built a fire in the grate and hunched close to it, wondering if Orion Black was telling anyone it was a half-blood that had saved him. He waited until the clock on the mantel struck midnight five minutes early, and then he finally admitted Severus wasn't coming home. He opened the bookcase door and went upstairs and curled up in Severus' bed and didn't sleep.

When dawn was edging the drapery in silver-blue light Remus heard someone Apparate in. He found he didn't care if it was someone coming to kill him. He listened to the footsteps that climbed the stairs with agonizing slowness. He smelled Severus and blood and sweat and rain, and he sat up in bed.

"Remus." Severus spoke his name in a sobbing voice, and then he fell onto the bed and Remus caught him and held him as he shook and made sobbing noises and didn't shed a tear. Severus' hair was soaked and he was all hard angles and restlessness, and Remus didn't care because he was alive and warm and safe.

"You don't have to tell me anything," Remus whispered, and kissed Severus' temple and stroked his wet hair. "I love you. I'm here."

"I killed him," Severus said, his teeth chattering. "I killed him and he was glad. And the Dark Lord trusts me even more."

 _But we were so close_ , Remus thought helplessly, stupidly. _Another few minutes and he would have been safe._ "Let me get you warm," he said.

"The Dark Lord said Regulus loved me."

Remus closed his eyes, told himself not to be jealous, not now. "Of course he loved you, Severus."

"He shouldn't have! It got him killed."

"No," Remus whispered, "no, no."

"It will get you killed, too."

And Remus _knew_ the answer to that. "I don't care. I'll always love you." He held Severus more tightly, stroking a hand down his back.

"You're stupid. I won't let you."

Remus smiled, a terrible, painful smile. "You can't stop me."

"I will! I'll--tell everyone you're a werewolf!"

"No, you won't." Remus's voice held quiet conviction.

"I'll quit spying for Dumbledore."

"No, you won't."

Severus shuddered. "I hate you!"

"I know. But it won't last."

.:.

Severus _did_ hate him, but he hated everyone right now--Voldemort, Bellatrix, Regulus--himself most of all. He couldn't stop shaking, couldn't keep his teeth from chattering, couldn't feel his fingers as they clutched at Lupin. "Don't--" he gasped, and he didn't even know what he meant.

But Lupin closed his arms around Severus and kept him from flying into a thousand pieces, giving strength through his silence somehow.

Severus didn't know how he did it, how one idiotic, idealistic, nineteen-year-old werewolf could be so bloody _strong_. He didn't know when it had happened, when Lupin had gained this mysterious self-possession, or if he'd had it all along and simply never displayed it in school. Perhaps it came of having to watch his friends leave him behind when they all left Hogwarts and the rest of the Gryffindors became Aurors or Hit Wizards or something important in the Ministry, while the werewolf struggled to find a job and make ends meet. Perhaps it had been born earlier, out of the mystery of bones reknitting themselves twice a month. Perhaps Lupin had only learned it when he fell in love with Severus Snape and realized he would need to be the strongest man in the world if he wanted to keep hold of his Death Eater spy.

Severus' trembling had calmed, the great shuddering gasps of his breathing slowing. He was clinging to Remus, his fingers curled around impressive biceps. Those strong arms were curled around his back, holding him close, and Severus became aware suddenly that he felt _protected_. He drew in a long, slow breath and let his body relax.

"Yes," Remus breathed, one hand lifting to stroke his hair. Severus hated that, because he knew his hair felt disgusting, he couldn't keep it clean no matter what potions he tried, but at the same time he loved that Remus touched it anyway, that Remus didn't show that he cared what it felt like. He realized suddenly that his hair was dry; had Remus used a drying charm on him? He could feel his fingers and toes, felt warm straight through--a warming charm, too, then. And then he realized that one of Remus' hands was stroking the small of his back, stroking lower and lower, and-- _Oh_.

"Remus--"

"Shh," Remus said, his hands still moving slowly, soothingly. "I just want to know you're alive, Severus, you're alive and safe, and I love you, and I will never stop loving you." He dipped his head, kissing the spot behind Severus' ear that always made him go weak with desire.

Severus whimpered and wondered why he felt guilty for wanting this. His fingers curled tighter around Remus' arms.

"You're so clever, so quick," Remus whispered, dropping kisses along Severus' jaw and throat, nuzzling the hollow there, licking his collarbone. "So vital, Severus--I need you. Need you so much."

Severus gasped and arched his head back, grateful for Remus' careful attention as much as his fiercely spoken words. He lifted one hand and pressed his fingers against Remus' cheek. "Beautiful," he murmured.

"Yes," Remus breathed, licking his way down to suck a nipple into his mouth. "So beautiful, Severus, both of us beautiful together."

It wasn't what Severus had meant--that Remus was beautiful in the diffuse light coming in from behind the drapes, but he wasn't about to contradict Remus when he was doing _that_ and one hand was teasing down along his stomach to curl about his arousal. He grunted and, after one involuntary buck, forced his hips to be still.

"No," Remus whispered, his other hand stroking Severus' hips. "Let go, Severus. Just relax and let go." He lowered his mouth to dip a tongue into Severus' navel, then down...down...and he placed a feather-light kiss against the tip of Severus' erection, making Severus gasp and twitch again.

"So perfect," Remus said, and the exultation in his voice made Severus groan and reach out for him. Remus caught one of Severus' hands in his own and smiled up at him, then leaned down and took Severus into his mouth. He licked and sucked and teased until Severus was writhing under him and moaning, crying Remus' name. He squeezed Remus' hand tightly as he came, and the tears he thought he'd lost forever sprang into his eyes then, when Remus lifted his head and gazed with such warmth, such _love_ , and kissed him deeply.

After a time--though he didn't know how long had passed--Remus was settling between his legs and pressing inside, and Severus felt claimed as he never had before, Remus cradling Severus against him and moving so slowly, so deliberately, taking the time to arouse Severus again, not ignoring Severus' tears but neither calling attention to them, and speaking his name again and again until their passion swelled and crested, one following another into bliss again.

"God, I love you!" Severus gasped as the tears spilled down his temples, and Remus closed his arms tightly around him and wisely said nothing to acknowledge it, neither to mock nor to accept, but buried his face in Severus' neck and breathed with him.

Yes, Severus _was_ alive, and he had tried to save Regulus, and couldn't. He would try to save Remus, no matter what it cost--and that was the difference in this sort of thing, he supposed. He _did_ love Remus, even if it was a broken, awkward sort of love. He would always love Remus, and he would die himself to keep Remus alive if he had to.

Severus knew, with no room for doubt in his mind, that no matter what else happened, Remus Lupin would never leave him.


End file.
